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I've been a sorry state of absent recently. Mostly, it's due to too much gaming/plonking about the internet, but I'll admit that blogging is far from my forte. Too much typing, too much feeling like I'm putting out crap no-one cares about. Kinda tired of that feeling though, so... if no one reads this, great. Not gonna let that stop me this time xD

So, resolution round-up time....

1. Get a job. Was a lukewarm success. I did, in fact, get a job. Just not in the field I went to school in.

2. Clear off my "games to be completed" list. Was a meh. No games were beaten, but I did pick up (and put back down) several games. So they're closer to gone, but not there yet. I did have fun along the way, though =)

3. Finally achieve 99 Runecrafting on Runescape. MASSIVE SUCCESS. Got 99 on my birthday - a full four months before the end of the year. Best part - I didn't lose interest in the game after getting my goal, so I made some great strides in one of my resolutions for this year already.

4. Attempt to blog more often. MASSIVE FAIL. At this point, this is my first post since April. Part of it was my laziness. Part of it was my fear of being a waste of space on the internet. Part of it was me being way too distracted by video games. Part of it was me having nothing to say. All of it led to a failure on this resolution.

5. Clearing out some of the clutter in my room. Erm, honestly, no clue on this one. I've rearranged some things, got rid of things, got new things. I like to think the room looks better - more open. Then I look at flat surfaces and cringe at junk.

6. "Be healthy", which has subgoals of:

a) eating more healthy, nutritious foods. Kinda yay. I branched out into vegetarian food this year (bonus of working as a cashier - custoemrs are willing to tell you about yummy foods) and created some meatless days towards the end of the year, but didn't really cut out any "bad" foods either.

b) sticking to a regular workout routine of three days muscle training, three days cardio, and one day break. Massive fail. I followed this routine for maybe a month after I wrote this, hit a derail of monthly mess in the pants - during which time I do not exercise due to feeling like a whale being stabbed in the guts with rusty spoons and a residual terror of tampons leaking on me - which happens after a hour with no exercise, so what's gonna happen with some activity in there? This is perhaps my most disappointing failure due to the amount of effort I put in to being specific while goal-making.

c) balancing out my life a little bit. Was meant to balance work and play with other stuff - like friends, and spirituality. Well, didn't do anything aside from work or play. I was waaaaay into Runescape this year - part of having an extensive goal for it is putting in intensive work - but I took it to extremes. As for spirituality? Pah, that took too much effort to be worthwhile. *end sarcasm* Truly, though, it's difficult to celebrate a spirit far larger than yourself when you can't even see past yourself, and this year was all about me and self-pity.

2012 will go down as the year I didn't even try. January 26 was my official hire-date as a cashier at WalMart, and the start of my feeling like the biggest screw-up on the face of the earth. It was a desperate attempt to keep cash flowing in after I let depression get the best of me and failed to submit some unemployment benefits paperwork on time. Then, the immediate need for job-searching was solved, and my peace with status quo kicked in and I never really seriously searched for a job again. Meanwhile, I called myself every derogatory term under the sun for being a lazy quitter, and my dad added fuel to the fire.

To make matters worse, I drowned all my self-hatred out by emersing myself in gaming, hardcore. I'm talking, roll-outta-bed-turn-on-the-pc-and-plop-down-until-I-have-just-enough-time-left-to-get-ready-for-work gaming. Not at all healthy, but I was saving the world and making myself feel slightly better for it. At least until I realized I was a cashier, then I was a waste of space that wasted time on pixels. Repeat cycle ad nauseam on an ever-descending spiral, because the worse I felt, the longer the gaming, and the greater the vitriol I spewed at myself in recrimination.

I did have a major breakthrough with the whole derogatory thing while Christmas shopping with my mom, actually. I'd asked her why she's been cool with this cashier thing, and she kinda shrugged and mentioned that she's not thrilled that it's not nursing, but it's a job, it keeps money flowing in and my bills paid, so I'm not completely mooching off of her either, and that's what's important to her, that I was making an effort to pull my weight.

Which kinda led me to thinking about European versus American mindsets. From my visits to my German relatives, jobs aren't the be-all and end-all of who you are, they're the way you pay bills, put food on the table, and earn enough to go out and enjoy what you enjoy. In America, it defines you. Venerated are the doctors, hated are the lawyers, and cashiers are looked down upon as not educated enough to get a real job.

Which is how I've felt the whole year. Stupid. From customers, from my dad. I'm embarrassed to contact acquaintances because of my job. It's a theme I'm really tired of.

Recently, though, I've started looking at it as just a job. It's a huge breakthrough for me. I'm not stupid for cashiering, I'm resourceful for finding funds for my car payments and health insurance, and paying my mom back for the cell and car insurance (which I'm still on because it's cheaper all the way around). It isn't demeaning, it's work. And I hate it, but that's okay as long as I hate the job - the environment, the management, whatever - and not myself.

So, 2013. This is the year I remake myself. I will not settle for anything other than effort. Without further ado:

1. Get a nursing job.

2. Move out of the parent nest. (Heavily dependent on number one)

3. Volunteer somewhere, either a hospital or the animal shelter.

4. [personal profile] rikkitsune posted an interesting link to a series of strengthening training programs. So, I'll be working through 100 pushups, 200 situps, 200 squats, and 150 dips. Looks like fun =)

5. Pick a fitness DVD every two weeks. Perform those workouts at least four times within that two weeks.

6. Celebrate the eight sabbats this year.

7. Complete FF13. I've beaten the game; now it's time to get all the trophies.

8. Get 90+ in every skill in Runescape. Currently at 8/25, with several right on the cusp. Made easier by all the playing I did last year. Complicated by the announcement of two new skills this year.

and the hardest of all....

9. Learn to be proud of my accomplishments and to love myself.